Dear Ya Rabb,


Ya Rabb. Tidak tau lagi harus mengeluh pada siapa selain padaMu. Ampunilah hamba. Maafkanlah segala kesalahan hamba. Engkau yang maha pemberi, berikanlah hamba kekuatan hati, ketenangan hati, hingga hamba bisa menjalani kembali hari hari hamba ya Rabb.

Ya Rabb, hamba lelah. Sakit ini, cobaan yang Engkau berikan pada hamba, hamba anggap ini adalah caraMu menghapuskan dosa dosa hamba yang terlalu banyak.

Ya Rabb, sudah berapa kali hamba berpikir untuk menyerah, dan hamba takut pikiran pikiran itu kembali datang.

Ya Rabb, hamba sendirian. Tak mampu membagi beban ini pada siapa pun. Hamba tidak mau menyusahkan orang tua hamba ya Rabb. Mereka yang Engkau ciptakan tulus mencintai hamba. Mereka yang kerap kali hatinya hamba sakiti. Hamba tidak mampu lagi menjadi beban mereka ya Rabb.

Ingin sekali membahagiakan mereka. Tapi apa yang bisa hamba lakukan?

Ya Rabb, hamba lelah. Hati ini semakin hari semakin rapuh. Kuatkan hamba dengan iman padaMu ya Rabb.

Hamba ingin mengiklashkan semua orang yang hamba sayangi padaMu ya Rabb. Hamba tidak bisa membahagiakan mereka. Hamba tidak bisa menjaga hati mereka. Hamba tidak bisa membuat mereka nyaman dengan adanya saya.

Ya Rabb, hamba mohon. Berikan kebahagiaan pada orang tua hamba. Saudara saudara hamba. Mereka yang sering hamba sakiti hatinya.

Ya Rabb, berikan ketenangan pada dia, orang yang hamba sayang saat ini. Orang yang hamba pikir jodoh yang Engkau ciptakan buat hamba, walaupun hamba tau dia bukan siapa siapa hamba sebelum kami resmi menikah.

Ya Rabb, hamba sudah lelah berjuang ya Rabb, hamba serahkan semuanya padaMu ya Rabb. Jika sakit ini, ujian ini, untuk menguji kami, mohon mudahkanlah kami melaluinya.

Ya Rabb, ampunilah segala dosa hamba, berikan hamba ketenangan hati, dan kabulkanlah doa hambaMu ini ya Rabb. Amin.

Dear Friday,

Wish you'll always be a great day.
Today, may I talk about something else? I meant, not him.
If you ask me whether the problem has finished or not yet, the answer is no.
He's still mad at me. Without I'm knowing the reason.
If you ask me whether I'm fine already, the answer is no.
I'm still lying on my bed, sick, weak, and pathetic.

I'm too tired of everything. My dreams, my hope, my wish.
My eager to make everyone happy, my eager to make everyone likes me.
I'm too tired of all of those things.

If only I were ignorant, if only I were not that pathetic, I would love my own life more, love my self more than I love anyone.
Yet, I'm pathetic.
I'm the one who easily put my heart on someone deeply.

I just wonder when I started being this 'me'.
I meant I used to be a different 'me'.
I was that girl who easily loved someone who cared of me, then would be easily fall into the other one who care more.
Yeah, I could love someone easily but could forget easily.

I just wonder why I am a different 'me' now.
Why should I fall too deep to someone even when he often makes me sad, makes me cry?
And why can't I even try to like or even see other men outside there?
Those who try to steal my attention when I am having problem with him, the one I said 'the right man', my boyfriend.

Is this love? Is this what faith is? Is this the way I am being loyal?

Whenever somone tries to get close to me, even saying directly wanna date me, now I can bravely say "Sorry, I've had my future husband."

Doesn't matter with that.
I think it's a good change. Maybe that's the way I should be. Being a mature woman, not a girl anymore.

Yet, it feels so sad, so sick, when I need him, and he's not there, then someone tries to be there to me, to help me when my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me. It feels sad.

No, I don't want to make them feeling being used. I don't want to betray my boyfriend. I don't want to disapoint him. I want him to trust me, just like I trust him with all my heart. I want him to know how much I love him, though he seems like he doesn't care.

It's hard. It's hurt. But I do it because I love.

Am I beng stupid? Being fool? Silly? Crazy?
Loving the one who doesn't deserve to be loved that way?

No, he's worth loving.
I know he's a nice man. He has a kind hearth. He's too kind to me, with all his hearth.
And that's what makes me stay.
Ya Rabb, give me strength and patience.
I love him, and I know he loves me.
Please, let us be together.
Lead us to Your way. Amin.

Dear September..

Remember my last post? Yeah, it was about him. Today I'd like to share my feeling, still about him. Hmm, you know, one bad periode of time has passed. I talked to him, already. Though, we haven't discuss about that problem. I meant the simple things that may easily bring us to a quarrel, to argue each other, and mostly to make him angry, yeah him, not me.
            I was about to give up you know, I've been crying all nights because of him. I don't know why. Am I loving him to deep? I don't know.
            To cut the long story, finally we talked.
And now, I'm sick. I've been sick for more than three days. So glad that he's always there when I need him. This morning he accompanied me going to hospital. How nice he is. And I do appreciate it. I told my friends. I told my parents, when they asked me who accompanied me. So glad that I have him as the answer.
           Yet, again. I don't know what happened. Well, maybe I was annoying, for him.
I didn't pay attention to what he said until it made him angry, again. I asked for apologize and gave him my reason yet he simply answer "I don't ask".
I cried.
I cried, sad.
I don't know what to say again.
Dear, I don't know what should I say to you.
I can't think.
My head aches. I need my medicine.
Ya Rabb, please take this sickness, I wanna be healthy. I don't want to make anyone suffer because of me.
I'm sorry for bothering everyone, including you, Dear.
I can't think anymore. Hope you're feeling better soon.
The doctor put kind of drug which will make me sleep soon on the prescription. I guess I'll take it now. I just want to forget what bothering my mind now, you, who is angry to me.
I hope you feel better soon.
I love you, Dear. Thanks for being mine.