I dumped him or was dumped by him?

Feel like an idiot.

What have just happen?
I totally don't understand.
What a stupid thing I did.
Why should I tell him? It used to be okay. I can handle this affair smoothly.
But, I can't live my life that way.

All of those loves I have are just fake.
And I used to maintain all of them, like a true defender.
Really nonsense.
When I realize, no one is special.
I can't keep even one of them.

Well then, give me strength to start it from zero. With no one?
Okay, WITH NO ONE!
But, I'll loose him.
I dumped him? No? Was I dumped by him?
I DONT CARE!

I have passed this way for more than four years. And I hope much from him. But then, I finally realize, I'm not tough enough to be a loyal lover for him. I do love him, and do still love him, yet I love anyone else.
No, I never trust him. I meant, I know he'll never cheat me, but I don't believe that he'll love me that much. I meant, I cannot trust his love to me. I meant, .... Uh, I cannot explain it.
I just feel that his love is fake. I just wonder I can be by his side someday.
As I am close to his family, but that was also a fake.
Nothing is a truth.

I used to live in my own imagination, in my fake world.
And I'm too bored now.
I wanna live in reality.
I'm not a doll in a lovely cupboard, I'm not even a princess in a fairytale.
Live is much harder, I know, but it will be much more beautiful if it is in reality.
I believe that.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Total Bad Day

Cuz I'm broken....... (Chase Coy)

Damn!
Perfectly damn!
Today, I'm feeling very bad. What the heck is this?
Could anyone tell me?
I'm totally broken.
It's so hard. I can't stand anymore..

God, is that true? What a big bastard I'm.
I had a date with other's boyfriend.
No.

No, that's not a date. I've loved him as my brother. I know that sounds nonsense.
I know. And you won't believe me? I know.
I won't ever ask and beg you to believe.
I won't, to anyone.
I won't.
Hey you, his girl. I just want to apologize.
It's for you to decide.
You can hate me. You can call me as a bastard, as you wish.
I won't give a damn with what you said.
But, he used to be my brother. I swear.
he used to be.
Now, he is not.
I hate him as I hate my self.

God, I hate my self.
I do really hate my self.
How come?
After I broke my boyfriend's (I)'s felling, I broke (D)'s feeling, will I break any other?
Will I break everyone who love me?
What did I do?

Now, I'm totally broken.
No one could fix me.
Let me be alone for a while.
When I've got ready, send me my true soulmate.
I won't ever betray him, God.
I promise.

Dear April

Dear April,

Thanks for being one of my unforgettable moments in my life.

This is still April 25^th, but so many things happen.

After a long waiting, finally I could finish my thesis and had the examination on April, 23^th.
Thanks for my greatest God, ALLAH SWT. Thanks for my beloved Mom and Dad, also my brothers and friends. Thanks for my advisor and examiners. Thanks for the headmaster, the teacher, and all the friendliest students I’ve ever had.
(Hey, wait! This is not an acknowledgement, rhyte?) Who cares?
Actually I must do the revisions soon, cz the examiners only gave me two weeks for this.
Yet, I need time to breathe. Is this nonsense?
Well, I don’t care.

I’ll tell you the story behind this unforgettable moment.
Who have ever wanted to experience a broken heart in the night before the thesis examination?
Me? You guess it must be me?
Totally wrong! I don’t! Of course, I don’t.
What a stupid thing.
But, if you guess that it must be me who experience that thing, that’s a perfect guess.
Congratulation. I’ll give you a stand up applause. #yay

Yes, I did.
I got broken heart on that night.
But, you know I didn’t really care.
What the heck is that?
It was funny. Cz on the afternoon before, I was talking to him and his mom happily.
I missed him so much since he just finished and went back from his KKN.
On the night, when I was practicing for the presentation, my phone vibrated.
I looked on my inbox and I got his message.
(Well, I won’t tell you what was written on his SMS)
The point is, he said that he was really disappointed because of me.
The very point is, he was going to leave me.
I laughed and then I cried all night.

What is the reason?
Ok, I want to make a confession.

That was purely my own fault.
I played on him.
Yet, frankly speaking I never intend to do so.
Cz I do love him.

But, he was really ignored me when he was busy with his KKN.
I missed him so much.
I desperately needed him.
Yet, he never had a time for me.

Then, I knew a new friend.

I often did chatting with him, till we got very close.
Actually, he’s none. I haven’t ever met him.
However, he’s too kind and too innocent.
I feel pleasant to know him and he’s always there whenever I’m down.
Still, I can’t love him.

Ok, in short, I was left alone and I’m single. #yay *move on*
Let me try to experience how is the feeling to be single.
When a boy asks me for a date, I’ll gladly say that I’m free.
When finally he asks, “Have you had a boyfriend?”, I’ll surely answer “Not Yet”
Then, he’ll say, “Will you be my girlfriend?”
“Yes”, I’ll say so.

#LOL

No, I don’t need a boyfriend.
I need a groom. I need a husband.
I’ve been so tired having that kind of relationship called “pacaran”.
I’ve got bored.
I need an eternal love.
I need a loyal and lover husband.

I’m sure God will send me my soulmate someday.
I’ll wait.
I’ll wait.

Hey, I haven’t told you.
I was so glad last night.
I met my friends in UKM, long time no see all of them.
I do miss them.
Last night was a nice nite.
Why?
Cz I got beautiful flowers from one of my junior.
*the result of flirting* #yay
Hey, it’s okay. I’m single rhyte?
Nothing’s wrong with this.

#LOL
We were having a look at eyes.
That was only a small thing, but make sense.

Okay, that was only the first experience I’ve got after being a single #again.
Being single is not a big deal.

Yet, actually. I’m still loving him and wish he could forgive me.

This is March

Oh My,
Time flies so fast.


Okay, for this time, let me write in bahasa Indonesia!
You know why?
I guess not, coz I dunno either.


Well, hari ini tanggal 8 Maret, eh salah, 9 Maret ya. Gua belum tidur dari tadi, jadinya serasa masih tanggal 8.
Punggung gua udah sakit, tapi kayaknya masih belum mau terpejam ini mata.
ya sudahlah, gua buka laptop aja, tancepin modem, go online!


Di FB, gua chatting sama temen luar negeri gua dan kakak sepupu ipar. Ga masalah lah, daripada bengong sendiri. Terus, daripada nganggur, barusan gua nyoba download albumnya sheila on 7. Mudah-mudahan aja bisa kedownload penuh. Amin.


Jiah, diaminin. Kayak apaan aja!


Oya, gua bingung ni sebenernya mau nulis apaan, soalnya tadi ni tulisan udah gua kasih judul "This is March", harusnya sih ini tulisan nyangkut ke hal-hal yang berhubungan dengan March, contohnya deadline sk**si .. Nah lok??
Hehehe, peace!


Oke mamen, kadang gua optimis banget, tapi kadang gua masih mikir-mikir ni sk**si bakal kelar kagak ya? Optimis, optimis, gua optimis, tapi okelah, OPTIMIS! KELAR!
Semangat Cuy!


Semangat banget mau cepet lulus, padahal ntar kalo udah lulus kagak tau mau ngapain. Bukan cuma itu, masih banyak pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang harus gua jawab. Salah satunya, gimana dengan kelanjutan hubungan gua sama 'dia'??
Satu hal yang sampe sekarang males banget gua pikirin. Kalo harus diterusin, mampukah gua nerusin semua ini? Ini bukan cuma masalah hati mamen, tapi juga politik dalam diri gua sendiri dan keluarga gua. (bahasanya sok iyes!!)
kalo diterusin seribet itu, kalo berhenti kagak kalah ribet juga. Masak gua mau tinggalin gt aja? Terus, gimana dengan usaha gua merpertahanin sejak dari SMA tuh?
Lu pikir gua kagak capek?
Sumpah, ribet dah!! Lupain aja dulu dah!


So, sebenernya tulisan ini tentang apa?
(#don't say any 'GALAU' word!)


No, not at all!
This is March, this is about March!


*maksa banget

Thanks God, Alhamdulillah

Yesterday was the first time I met "Ochi".
Yeah, I named her "Ochi". I hope she'll be my best friend, who always help me and accompany me.
(^_^').
Nice to meet you "Ochi"!

Well, I was so happy yesterday. Finally, my thesis has a title. Really, I'm happy to have an advisor like her. She is indeed kind, humble, and patient. I hope I can finish my thesis soon.
I've registered for the yudisium. Hopefully, I can finish it in time, at least on time!
Though I know, the time left is only about one month.
But, I'm optimistic, I can do it!
InsyaALLAH, Amin.

Well, wish me luck!
(^_^')..