Dear you..
It's been more than a year, my last post. I've been too busy of my real life. Want to talk about it? I guess I do.
The right man. I thought I've found him. Yeah, the right man.
I knew him right after I got broken heart with the one I told you in my previous post.
He was a very nice man. The best among all I've known. He didn't a long time to make me fall into him, though I've tried hard not to. I've tried hard to keep my heart but still, he stole it from me.
              Yeah, after 2months getting closer to each other, after too much complain from our friends that we're just being too childish not to admit our feeling, finally I decided to talk with him. It was May, 3rd 2015, I called him, telling him that I want to meet him cz I have something to talk. He didn't even hesitate to say yes, immediately.
I hang up the phone and I struck speechless, actless, counting again the risk for what I have decided. I remembered my traumatic, again, about my previous relationship. It felt hard for me to have one, again. I was too afraid of having a relationship, again. I was tired of love, its drama, and of course how it ends. I was sick of it.
           I went to my bathroom and got a wash. Feeling fresh, I got dress. Haven't done with my veil, I heard he greeted me in front of my front door, "Assalamualaikum". And I told him to wait.
          I went to the living room and greeted him, I said "I'm ready" and we went out. He asked me where to go and I said I had no idea. He smiled.
          "Can we have a short date?" I asked. "Why should it be short if we can have it longer?" he answered, smiling.
          Finnaly we arrived in a nice place. When I arrived, I was suddenly remember my ex, cz it was the place where I usually spent my time with my ex. I tried to fight that feeling coming to my mind, traumatic. I convinced my self, I'm now here with different man, that may give me different story, that may be my future.
         We sat down and waited for our drinks. I started the conversation, too much intro, but I didn't mind. I saw him enjoying our conversation. He never talked that way before. I started to feel comfort and I told him what I actually wanted to talk about. He looked nervous and I tried to make up a joke. When he finally ready, I said what bothering my mind.
         The thing that I remember, at that time we made agreement to have a relationship. Yeah, we did. With some considerations, finally we decided to admit that starting that day, we're in relationship.
        Time flies... we have spent much time together. I started to love him deeper. He was really nice and in my heart I call him the right man. I am about sure to arrange my future with him. When I started to know his family, when he started to know my family. Too much story to be told actually, too many things happen. I once broke up with him. And it felt awfull. I was about to give up yet I tried to stay I tried to convince him that I won't disappoint him.
I just wonder how I  really want him. I really didnt wanna give up on him.
        When finnaly we started it again, we were getting much closer. We're planning for the future. My right man, he was about to make my dreams come true. I was so glad and I love him much deeper.
       Then finnaly I convince my self to tell my parents about him. It's hard. It was my first experience. I never told my parents about my previous relationship with my ex. He was the first man I brought to my parents. When they finally met and he talked to my parents about us, I felt like the time stopped. My heart beat faster and I am about to cry.
         Here we are. After all of things happen. I'm waiting for him.
I heard some people say, when you srart to arrange to get marry you'll find much problem that will make you feel like you won't be able to handle it, the problem that make you feel you should give up, or much harder than that. I was worrying about that people say before, until I realize maybe I experience it right now.
        It's been three days he doesn't wanna talk to me. He was angry because of some missunderstanding. If only you know dear, I trust you with all my heart. I never think bad thing of you. Yet, it happened already. It's been three days. I'm about thinking whether we can pass this or not. I really want to text him saying, "I love you, dear" yet I don't have my courage. I'm too afraid of making him angrier. I'm sorry dear. Ya Rabb, please keep us. Please help us. I hope everything will get better soon. Amin Ya Rabb..

Have I found the Real Me?

Have been tired of love. Yeah, I have.

So sad and pathetic, indeed. Yet, that’s the fact. I’m broken, again.

I guess it’s the ending. I’ve hurt his feeling once and now it seems that he has done his revenge.

How cruel! I don’t know, I have no idea about what in his mind is.

Well, let me just call it as a revenge. And he has succeed. Well done!

Btw, it’s been so long since I post my last posting.

Have been so busy about my new world, the real world. Yeah, I’ve been born in the real life.

I’ve once thought that it would be a scary place, in fact, it’s scarier than what I have imagined.

What a world!

Receive it or not, I’ve been here. And you know what, as others do. It’s time for me to find the real me.

I have to choose that path or continue my whole life like a slave of other’s life.

I just wonder why it still feels like a dream. How hard it is to wake up.

If it was a fairytale, I would just need to wait for the prince to give me a true love kiss to break the sleeping curse. Unfortunately, only Snow White or Aurora were lucky enough to have that destiny.

Well, I hate grumbling, actually. But I always did.

Neither love nor life can give a kind of sweet story. And I’m kindda bored of these.

I’ve fell and broken for so many times. How many times should I be reborn?

Am I tough enough to keep moving on?

I guess it’s not a choice.

“Okay, sweet girl, wake up now! Let’s find the real you!”

I dumped him or was dumped by him?

Feel like an idiot.

What have just happen?
I totally don't understand.
What a stupid thing I did.
Why should I tell him? It used to be okay. I can handle this affair smoothly.
But, I can't live my life that way.

All of those loves I have are just fake.
And I used to maintain all of them, like a true defender.
Really nonsense.
When I realize, no one is special.
I can't keep even one of them.

Well then, give me strength to start it from zero. With no one?
Okay, WITH NO ONE!
But, I'll loose him.
I dumped him? No? Was I dumped by him?
I DONT CARE!

I have passed this way for more than four years. And I hope much from him. But then, I finally realize, I'm not tough enough to be a loyal lover for him. I do love him, and do still love him, yet I love anyone else.
No, I never trust him. I meant, I know he'll never cheat me, but I don't believe that he'll love me that much. I meant, I cannot trust his love to me. I meant, .... Uh, I cannot explain it.
I just feel that his love is fake. I just wonder I can be by his side someday.
As I am close to his family, but that was also a fake.
Nothing is a truth.

I used to live in my own imagination, in my fake world.
And I'm too bored now.
I wanna live in reality.
I'm not a doll in a lovely cupboard, I'm not even a princess in a fairytale.
Live is much harder, I know, but it will be much more beautiful if it is in reality.
I believe that.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Total Bad Day

Cuz I'm broken....... (Chase Coy)

Damn!
Perfectly damn!
Today, I'm feeling very bad. What the heck is this?
Could anyone tell me?
I'm totally broken.
It's so hard. I can't stand anymore..

God, is that true? What a big bastard I'm.
I had a date with other's boyfriend.
No.

No, that's not a date. I've loved him as my brother. I know that sounds nonsense.
I know. And you won't believe me? I know.
I won't ever ask and beg you to believe.
I won't, to anyone.
I won't.
Hey you, his girl. I just want to apologize.
It's for you to decide.
You can hate me. You can call me as a bastard, as you wish.
I won't give a damn with what you said.
But, he used to be my brother. I swear.
he used to be.
Now, he is not.
I hate him as I hate my self.

God, I hate my self.
I do really hate my self.
How come?
After I broke my boyfriend's (I)'s felling, I broke (D)'s feeling, will I break any other?
Will I break everyone who love me?
What did I do?

Now, I'm totally broken.
No one could fix me.
Let me be alone for a while.
When I've got ready, send me my true soulmate.
I won't ever betray him, God.
I promise.

Dear April

Dear April,

Thanks for being one of my unforgettable moments in my life.

This is still April 25^th, but so many things happen.

After a long waiting, finally I could finish my thesis and had the examination on April, 23^th.
Thanks for my greatest God, ALLAH SWT. Thanks for my beloved Mom and Dad, also my brothers and friends. Thanks for my advisor and examiners. Thanks for the headmaster, the teacher, and all the friendliest students I’ve ever had.
(Hey, wait! This is not an acknowledgement, rhyte?) Who cares?
Actually I must do the revisions soon, cz the examiners only gave me two weeks for this.
Yet, I need time to breathe. Is this nonsense?
Well, I don’t care.

I’ll tell you the story behind this unforgettable moment.
Who have ever wanted to experience a broken heart in the night before the thesis examination?
Me? You guess it must be me?
Totally wrong! I don’t! Of course, I don’t.
What a stupid thing.
But, if you guess that it must be me who experience that thing, that’s a perfect guess.
Congratulation. I’ll give you a stand up applause. #yay

Yes, I did.
I got broken heart on that night.
But, you know I didn’t really care.
What the heck is that?
It was funny. Cz on the afternoon before, I was talking to him and his mom happily.
I missed him so much since he just finished and went back from his KKN.
On the night, when I was practicing for the presentation, my phone vibrated.
I looked on my inbox and I got his message.
(Well, I won’t tell you what was written on his SMS)
The point is, he said that he was really disappointed because of me.
The very point is, he was going to leave me.
I laughed and then I cried all night.

What is the reason?
Ok, I want to make a confession.

That was purely my own fault.
I played on him.
Yet, frankly speaking I never intend to do so.
Cz I do love him.

But, he was really ignored me when he was busy with his KKN.
I missed him so much.
I desperately needed him.
Yet, he never had a time for me.

Then, I knew a new friend.

I often did chatting with him, till we got very close.
Actually, he’s none. I haven’t ever met him.
However, he’s too kind and too innocent.
I feel pleasant to know him and he’s always there whenever I’m down.
Still, I can’t love him.

Ok, in short, I was left alone and I’m single. #yay *move on*
Let me try to experience how is the feeling to be single.
When a boy asks me for a date, I’ll gladly say that I’m free.
When finally he asks, “Have you had a boyfriend?”, I’ll surely answer “Not Yet”
Then, he’ll say, “Will you be my girlfriend?”
“Yes”, I’ll say so.

#LOL

No, I don’t need a boyfriend.
I need a groom. I need a husband.
I’ve been so tired having that kind of relationship called “pacaran”.
I’ve got bored.
I need an eternal love.
I need a loyal and lover husband.

I’m sure God will send me my soulmate someday.
I’ll wait.
I’ll wait.

Hey, I haven’t told you.
I was so glad last night.
I met my friends in UKM, long time no see all of them.
I do miss them.
Last night was a nice nite.
Why?
Cz I got beautiful flowers from one of my junior.
*the result of flirting* #yay
Hey, it’s okay. I’m single rhyte?
Nothing’s wrong with this.

#LOL
We were having a look at eyes.
That was only a small thing, but make sense.

Okay, that was only the first experience I’ve got after being a single #again.
Being single is not a big deal.

Yet, actually. I’m still loving him and wish he could forgive me.

This is March

Oh My,
Time flies so fast.


Okay, for this time, let me write in bahasa Indonesia!
You know why?
I guess not, coz I dunno either.


Well, hari ini tanggal 8 Maret, eh salah, 9 Maret ya. Gua belum tidur dari tadi, jadinya serasa masih tanggal 8.
Punggung gua udah sakit, tapi kayaknya masih belum mau terpejam ini mata.
ya sudahlah, gua buka laptop aja, tancepin modem, go online!


Di FB, gua chatting sama temen luar negeri gua dan kakak sepupu ipar. Ga masalah lah, daripada bengong sendiri. Terus, daripada nganggur, barusan gua nyoba download albumnya sheila on 7. Mudah-mudahan aja bisa kedownload penuh. Amin.


Jiah, diaminin. Kayak apaan aja!


Oya, gua bingung ni sebenernya mau nulis apaan, soalnya tadi ni tulisan udah gua kasih judul "This is March", harusnya sih ini tulisan nyangkut ke hal-hal yang berhubungan dengan March, contohnya deadline sk**si .. Nah lok??
Hehehe, peace!


Oke mamen, kadang gua optimis banget, tapi kadang gua masih mikir-mikir ni sk**si bakal kelar kagak ya? Optimis, optimis, gua optimis, tapi okelah, OPTIMIS! KELAR!
Semangat Cuy!


Semangat banget mau cepet lulus, padahal ntar kalo udah lulus kagak tau mau ngapain. Bukan cuma itu, masih banyak pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang harus gua jawab. Salah satunya, gimana dengan kelanjutan hubungan gua sama 'dia'??
Satu hal yang sampe sekarang males banget gua pikirin. Kalo harus diterusin, mampukah gua nerusin semua ini? Ini bukan cuma masalah hati mamen, tapi juga politik dalam diri gua sendiri dan keluarga gua. (bahasanya sok iyes!!)
kalo diterusin seribet itu, kalo berhenti kagak kalah ribet juga. Masak gua mau tinggalin gt aja? Terus, gimana dengan usaha gua merpertahanin sejak dari SMA tuh?
Lu pikir gua kagak capek?
Sumpah, ribet dah!! Lupain aja dulu dah!


So, sebenernya tulisan ini tentang apa?
(#don't say any 'GALAU' word!)


No, not at all!
This is March, this is about March!


*maksa banget

Thanks God, Alhamdulillah

Yesterday was the first time I met "Ochi".
Yeah, I named her "Ochi". I hope she'll be my best friend, who always help me and accompany me.
(^_^').
Nice to meet you "Ochi"!

Well, I was so happy yesterday. Finally, my thesis has a title. Really, I'm happy to have an advisor like her. She is indeed kind, humble, and patient. I hope I can finish my thesis soon.
I've registered for the yudisium. Hopefully, I can finish it in time, at least on time!
Though I know, the time left is only about one month.
But, I'm optimistic, I can do it!
InsyaALLAH, Amin.

Well, wish me luck!
(^_^')..