I dumped him or was dumped by him?

Feel like an idiot.

What have just happen?
I totally don't understand.
What a stupid thing I did.
Why should I tell him? It used to be okay. I can handle this affair smoothly.
But, I can't live my life that way.

All of those loves I have are just fake.
And I used to maintain all of them, like a true defender.
Really nonsense.
When I realize, no one is special.
I can't keep even one of them.

Well then, give me strength to start it from zero. With no one?
Okay, WITH NO ONE!
But, I'll loose him.
I dumped him? No? Was I dumped by him?
I DONT CARE!

I have passed this way for more than four years. And I hope much from him. But then, I finally realize, I'm not tough enough to be a loyal lover for him. I do love him, and do still love him, yet I love anyone else.
No, I never trust him. I meant, I know he'll never cheat me, but I don't believe that he'll love me that much. I meant, I cannot trust his love to me. I meant, .... Uh, I cannot explain it.
I just feel that his love is fake. I just wonder I can be by his side someday.
As I am close to his family, but that was also a fake.
Nothing is a truth.

I used to live in my own imagination, in my fake world.
And I'm too bored now.
I wanna live in reality.
I'm not a doll in a lovely cupboard, I'm not even a princess in a fairytale.
Live is much harder, I know, but it will be much more beautiful if it is in reality.
I believe that.

LEAVE ME ALONE!