Total Bad Day

Cuz I'm broken....... (Chase Coy)

Damn!
Perfectly damn!
Today, I'm feeling very bad. What the heck is this?
Could anyone tell me?
I'm totally broken.
It's so hard. I can't stand anymore..

God, is that true? What a big bastard I'm.
I had a date with other's boyfriend.
No.

No, that's not a date. I've loved him as my brother. I know that sounds nonsense.
I know. And you won't believe me? I know.
I won't ever ask and beg you to believe.
I won't, to anyone.
I won't.
Hey you, his girl. I just want to apologize.
It's for you to decide.
You can hate me. You can call me as a bastard, as you wish.
I won't give a damn with what you said.
But, he used to be my brother. I swear.
he used to be.
Now, he is not.
I hate him as I hate my self.

God, I hate my self.
I do really hate my self.
How come?
After I broke my boyfriend's (I)'s felling, I broke (D)'s feeling, will I break any other?
Will I break everyone who love me?
What did I do?

Now, I'm totally broken.
No one could fix me.
Let me be alone for a while.
When I've got ready, send me my true soulmate.
I won't ever betray him, God.
I promise.

Dear April

Dear April,

Thanks for being one of my unforgettable moments in my life.

This is still April 25^th, but so many things happen.

After a long waiting, finally I could finish my thesis and had the examination on April, 23^th.
Thanks for my greatest God, ALLAH SWT. Thanks for my beloved Mom and Dad, also my brothers and friends. Thanks for my advisor and examiners. Thanks for the headmaster, the teacher, and all the friendliest students I’ve ever had.
(Hey, wait! This is not an acknowledgement, rhyte?) Who cares?
Actually I must do the revisions soon, cz the examiners only gave me two weeks for this.
Yet, I need time to breathe. Is this nonsense?
Well, I don’t care.

I’ll tell you the story behind this unforgettable moment.
Who have ever wanted to experience a broken heart in the night before the thesis examination?
Me? You guess it must be me?
Totally wrong! I don’t! Of course, I don’t.
What a stupid thing.
But, if you guess that it must be me who experience that thing, that’s a perfect guess.
Congratulation. I’ll give you a stand up applause. #yay

Yes, I did.
I got broken heart on that night.
But, you know I didn’t really care.
What the heck is that?
It was funny. Cz on the afternoon before, I was talking to him and his mom happily.
I missed him so much since he just finished and went back from his KKN.
On the night, when I was practicing for the presentation, my phone vibrated.
I looked on my inbox and I got his message.
(Well, I won’t tell you what was written on his SMS)
The point is, he said that he was really disappointed because of me.
The very point is, he was going to leave me.
I laughed and then I cried all night.

What is the reason?
Ok, I want to make a confession.

That was purely my own fault.
I played on him.
Yet, frankly speaking I never intend to do so.
Cz I do love him.

But, he was really ignored me when he was busy with his KKN.
I missed him so much.
I desperately needed him.
Yet, he never had a time for me.

Then, I knew a new friend.

I often did chatting with him, till we got very close.
Actually, he’s none. I haven’t ever met him.
However, he’s too kind and too innocent.
I feel pleasant to know him and he’s always there whenever I’m down.
Still, I can’t love him.

Ok, in short, I was left alone and I’m single. #yay *move on*
Let me try to experience how is the feeling to be single.
When a boy asks me for a date, I’ll gladly say that I’m free.
When finally he asks, “Have you had a boyfriend?”, I’ll surely answer “Not Yet”
Then, he’ll say, “Will you be my girlfriend?”
“Yes”, I’ll say so.

#LOL

No, I don’t need a boyfriend.
I need a groom. I need a husband.
I’ve been so tired having that kind of relationship called “pacaran”.
I’ve got bored.
I need an eternal love.
I need a loyal and lover husband.

I’m sure God will send me my soulmate someday.
I’ll wait.
I’ll wait.

Hey, I haven’t told you.
I was so glad last night.
I met my friends in UKM, long time no see all of them.
I do miss them.
Last night was a nice nite.
Why?
Cz I got beautiful flowers from one of my junior.
*the result of flirting* #yay
Hey, it’s okay. I’m single rhyte?
Nothing’s wrong with this.

#LOL
We were having a look at eyes.
That was only a small thing, but make sense.

Okay, that was only the first experience I’ve got after being a single #again.
Being single is not a big deal.

Yet, actually. I’m still loving him and wish he could forgive me.

This is March

Oh My,
Time flies so fast.


Okay, for this time, let me write in bahasa Indonesia!
You know why?
I guess not, coz I dunno either.


Well, hari ini tanggal 8 Maret, eh salah, 9 Maret ya. Gua belum tidur dari tadi, jadinya serasa masih tanggal 8.
Punggung gua udah sakit, tapi kayaknya masih belum mau terpejam ini mata.
ya sudahlah, gua buka laptop aja, tancepin modem, go online!


Di FB, gua chatting sama temen luar negeri gua dan kakak sepupu ipar. Ga masalah lah, daripada bengong sendiri. Terus, daripada nganggur, barusan gua nyoba download albumnya sheila on 7. Mudah-mudahan aja bisa kedownload penuh. Amin.


Jiah, diaminin. Kayak apaan aja!


Oya, gua bingung ni sebenernya mau nulis apaan, soalnya tadi ni tulisan udah gua kasih judul "This is March", harusnya sih ini tulisan nyangkut ke hal-hal yang berhubungan dengan March, contohnya deadline sk**si .. Nah lok??
Hehehe, peace!


Oke mamen, kadang gua optimis banget, tapi kadang gua masih mikir-mikir ni sk**si bakal kelar kagak ya? Optimis, optimis, gua optimis, tapi okelah, OPTIMIS! KELAR!
Semangat Cuy!


Semangat banget mau cepet lulus, padahal ntar kalo udah lulus kagak tau mau ngapain. Bukan cuma itu, masih banyak pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang harus gua jawab. Salah satunya, gimana dengan kelanjutan hubungan gua sama 'dia'??
Satu hal yang sampe sekarang males banget gua pikirin. Kalo harus diterusin, mampukah gua nerusin semua ini? Ini bukan cuma masalah hati mamen, tapi juga politik dalam diri gua sendiri dan keluarga gua. (bahasanya sok iyes!!)
kalo diterusin seribet itu, kalo berhenti kagak kalah ribet juga. Masak gua mau tinggalin gt aja? Terus, gimana dengan usaha gua merpertahanin sejak dari SMA tuh?
Lu pikir gua kagak capek?
Sumpah, ribet dah!! Lupain aja dulu dah!


So, sebenernya tulisan ini tentang apa?
(#don't say any 'GALAU' word!)


No, not at all!
This is March, this is about March!


*maksa banget

Thanks God, Alhamdulillah

Yesterday was the first time I met "Ochi".
Yeah, I named her "Ochi". I hope she'll be my best friend, who always help me and accompany me.
(^_^').
Nice to meet you "Ochi"!

Well, I was so happy yesterday. Finally, my thesis has a title. Really, I'm happy to have an advisor like her. She is indeed kind, humble, and patient. I hope I can finish my thesis soon.
I've registered for the yudisium. Hopefully, I can finish it in time, at least on time!
Though I know, the time left is only about one month.
But, I'm optimistic, I can do it!
InsyaALLAH, Amin.

Well, wish me luck!
(^_^')..

Waiting For That Moment

Oh, God.
I don't know what I feel. It's over my head.
Again!
This stupid little girl (No, I meant this smart and lovely girl) grumbled again!
She cried all night!
Saying that she missed her parents and brothers, and the home 'atmosphere'.

Yesterday was my 21th birthday!
Oh God, I'm getting old!

You know, that girl I meant is me my self!
I did! I cried all the night, the night before my birthday!

Mom, Dad,
You should know how I love you!
You should know how I miss you!
You are more than meets the eye!
Even though,
I always make you sad.
I always make you disappointed.

But, I promise I'll make you proud someday!
You know, Mom, Dad,
I do wait that moment!
I do wait the moment when you'll smile proudly and looking at me!

Those days I've passed are not that beautiful.
I guess you understand!
Sometimes I should smile when I cry!

Sometimes, often I fell jealous!

It's hard Mom, Dad!
But, I do it for you!

I'll keep fight!
Cuz, I DO LOVE YOU!

Lebih Galau Lagi

Aduh..

Galau tingkat Dewa!
Malam ini ga bisa tidur gara-gara Cappucinno. Argggh!
Tapi Sumpah, Cappucinno'nya enak banget! #Gak Nyesel Nyesel Amat!

Oya, hari ini aku galau gara-gara Kakak Bebek!
Dia jalan ma mantannya!
oke, gpp, aku gpp.

Aku tegasin sekali lagi, aku gpp! Aku gpp!

Oke, sekarang, Lupakan dulu!

Lagi, hal lain yang ngebuat galau!
aku kayaknya ngidap hypochondria!

Jeng Jeng!
#Menegangkan!

Ya ALLAH, cukup hypochondria!
jangan lebih. Kumohon..

Aku masih mau hidup!

Belakangan ini aku sering parno banget, gara-gara mikirin tanganku ini yang suka kesemutan!

Browsing di Google malah nambahin galau.

*Jangan remehkan kesemutan!
*Kesemutan=Penyakit syaraf?

OMG, I'm sick of it!

Ya ALLAH, aku mau sehat!

Mau check up, mahal! Gimana ya..

#So sad

This is The Time ........

“I’ll meet him”, I said.

I Looked at my mirror and wiped my eyes. It was hard to imagine his face. My profound hatred had killed all the sweet memories between he and I. There would be no smile left to remember all the time we have spent together. Everything about him was hurtful. If I had to mention the most regretful thing I have done in my life that was it, to know him.

Two days before yesterday Ryan came to meet me. I had not met him for two years since he moved to England. He had left me without any permission. And after two years he simply came to me to say sorry. How could I imagine, what kind of man he was.

I said nothing in front of him. Even I hardly raised my head to look at his face. I struck speechless and I ignored him. However, he knew how I loved him. And that was right, I did love him. Unfortunately, I had completely ignored him. My hatred had forced me to do that, though my heart hardly received it. I could not do nothing. Yet, I could still see his face before he left, that was a very pale face, I had never seen from him before.

I had been wating for him for so long. I was glad to see him again, but it was too late. Everything had been covered by my hatred. He broke his promiss. He left me and he threw me out. How could I still love him. Yeah, I had tried, but as the time goes by and as my tears go by, my profound hatredhad covered my whole heart.

I looked at my cellphone. There were twenty three missedcalls from the same number, Ryan’s number. And the only message was also from tha same number. However, I knew that was not him who wrote the message. I had already known the way he wrote. I could guarantee this one was not his.

I tried to shift my mind from thinking about it. I did not want to think about him. I really did not want to. I closed my eyes and tried to forget all about him. I wanted to ensure my heart that I did not need him, I did not want to care of him, and I really hate him. I tried it again and again, but it was really hard.

My mind came to the message. The only message which told me that Ryan was in hospital and he wanted me to be there. I did not know what was in my mind. Whether I should trust it or not, whether it was true or not, and I was questioningwhy he was there. I could not trust it. However, it was not important for me. I did not need to care of him anymore. He’s no one for me. I looked at my mirror cynically. By the reflection of the mirror, I could see my own face. There were tears in my eyes. I could see the hidden anxiety beyond my droopy eyes. And I hardly breathed.

“ Who are you? I don’t wanna care of you!”, I screamed and I threw the mirror.

The pieces of the mirror sproud everywhere as the bigger anxiety filled my mind. I burst into tears.

I could not restrain my emotion. I found my key then I drove to the hospital. As I entered the hospital’s door, my anxiety getting worse. I hate and really hate to think about him, buat I did.
I opened the door of room which number 501. I saw him, with his mom beside his bed. I could not say anything. I was in tears. My hatred and anxiety to lose him filled my mind in the same way, in the same time. Again, I hate and really hate to think about him, but I did.

His mom approached me and then hugg me.

“He had been waiting for you for so long. He loved you, dear. He ….”, she could not continue her word. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

I was stiff in front of her. I could not say any word. I hardly breathed. I just looked at his whole body which had been covered by a blanket.

I could feel tears rolled down my cheeks, but I sruck speechless. I whispered to my own heart.

“This is the time. I have to say what I don’t wanna say”, I stoped a while then continued, “ I hate you Ryan, but I can’t stop loving you”.