I'm Feeling Guilty

 It's been years...

Alhamdulillah, thanks to Allah SWT. I am married, and I'm now a mother of a beautiful daughter, Nabila Azzahra. Alhamdulillah.

There's a lot of things I want to share, yet this time I just want to express my feeling, yeah I'm feeling guilty about letting my daughter fell down from her stroller. 😭

Someday when I read this I'll remember, I need someone to share my worries, and I'll finally realize I share it to myself. 😢

This will make me aware more, I hope. 😢

Today, Nabila fell down from her stroller. Of course it happened accidentally, yet I'm really sorry and I'm really feeling guilty. I cried when she cried, I hugged her tightly and tried to calm her down yet I couldn't make my self calm down.

After a while, she stopped crying and started to smile, yet I couldn't stop blaming my self.

Dear daughter, I love you so much that I worry that much. 😭 I'm sorry..

I didn't see any bruises on her, but I'm still worrying that much.

She played, smiled, and laughed as usual but these couldn't make me feel fine. 😭

I'm really sorry, Dear. 😭

Now, she is sleeping and I'm looking at her, how grateful I am to have her in my life, how Allah loves me that much by sending her in my life.

I promise I'll be more careful. I'll take care of you well, Bila..

I love you, I always pray you'll always be better than your mom.

Stay healthy, and happy, My Love.. ❤️

Dear Ya Rabb,


Ya Rabb. Tidak tau lagi harus mengeluh pada siapa selain padaMu. Ampunilah hamba. Maafkanlah segala kesalahan hamba. Engkau yang maha pemberi, berikanlah hamba kekuatan hati, ketenangan hati, hingga hamba bisa menjalani kembali hari hari hamba ya Rabb.

Ya Rabb, hamba lelah. Sakit ini, cobaan yang Engkau berikan pada hamba, hamba anggap ini adalah caraMu menghapuskan dosa dosa hamba yang terlalu banyak.

Ya Rabb, sudah berapa kali hamba berpikir untuk menyerah, dan hamba takut pikiran pikiran itu kembali datang.

Ya Rabb, hamba sendirian. Tak mampu membagi beban ini pada siapa pun. Hamba tidak mau menyusahkan orang tua hamba ya Rabb. Mereka yang Engkau ciptakan tulus mencintai hamba. Mereka yang kerap kali hatinya hamba sakiti. Hamba tidak mampu lagi menjadi beban mereka ya Rabb.

Ingin sekali membahagiakan mereka. Tapi apa yang bisa hamba lakukan?

Ya Rabb, hamba lelah. Hati ini semakin hari semakin rapuh. Kuatkan hamba dengan iman padaMu ya Rabb.

Hamba ingin mengiklashkan semua orang yang hamba sayangi padaMu ya Rabb. Hamba tidak bisa membahagiakan mereka. Hamba tidak bisa menjaga hati mereka. Hamba tidak bisa membuat mereka nyaman dengan adanya saya.

Ya Rabb, hamba mohon. Berikan kebahagiaan pada orang tua hamba. Saudara saudara hamba. Mereka yang sering hamba sakiti hatinya.

Ya Rabb, berikan ketenangan pada dia, orang yang hamba sayang saat ini. Orang yang hamba pikir jodoh yang Engkau ciptakan buat hamba, walaupun hamba tau dia bukan siapa siapa hamba sebelum kami resmi menikah.

Ya Rabb, hamba sudah lelah berjuang ya Rabb, hamba serahkan semuanya padaMu ya Rabb. Jika sakit ini, ujian ini, untuk menguji kami, mohon mudahkanlah kami melaluinya.

Ya Rabb, ampunilah segala dosa hamba, berikan hamba ketenangan hati, dan kabulkanlah doa hambaMu ini ya Rabb. Amin.

Dear Friday,

Wish you'll always be a great day.
Today, may I talk about something else? I meant, not him.
If you ask me whether the problem has finished or not yet, the answer is no.
He's still mad at me. Without I'm knowing the reason.
If you ask me whether I'm fine already, the answer is no.
I'm still lying on my bed, sick, weak, and pathetic.

I'm too tired of everything. My dreams, my hope, my wish.
My eager to make everyone happy, my eager to make everyone likes me.
I'm too tired of all of those things.

If only I were ignorant, if only I were not that pathetic, I would love my own life more, love my self more than I love anyone.
Yet, I'm pathetic.
I'm the one who easily put my heart on someone deeply.

I just wonder when I started being this 'me'.
I meant I used to be a different 'me'.
I was that girl who easily loved someone who cared of me, then would be easily fall into the other one who care more.
Yeah, I could love someone easily but could forget easily.

I just wonder why I am a different 'me' now.
Why should I fall too deep to someone even when he often makes me sad, makes me cry?
And why can't I even try to like or even see other men outside there?
Those who try to steal my attention when I am having problem with him, the one I said 'the right man', my boyfriend.

Is this love? Is this what faith is? Is this the way I am being loyal?

Whenever somone tries to get close to me, even saying directly wanna date me, now I can bravely say "Sorry, I've had my future husband."

Doesn't matter with that.
I think it's a good change. Maybe that's the way I should be. Being a mature woman, not a girl anymore.

Yet, it feels so sad, so sick, when I need him, and he's not there, then someone tries to be there to me, to help me when my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me. It feels sad.

No, I don't want to make them feeling being used. I don't want to betray my boyfriend. I don't want to disapoint him. I want him to trust me, just like I trust him with all my heart. I want him to know how much I love him, though he seems like he doesn't care.

It's hard. It's hurt. But I do it because I love.

Am I beng stupid? Being fool? Silly? Crazy?
Loving the one who doesn't deserve to be loved that way?

No, he's worth loving.
I know he's a nice man. He has a kind hearth. He's too kind to me, with all his hearth.
And that's what makes me stay.
Ya Rabb, give me strength and patience.
I love him, and I know he loves me.
Please, let us be together.
Lead us to Your way. Amin.

Dear September..

Remember my last post? Yeah, it was about him. Today I'd like to share my feeling, still about him. Hmm, you know, one bad periode of time has passed. I talked to him, already. Though, we haven't discuss about that problem. I meant the simple things that may easily bring us to a quarrel, to argue each other, and mostly to make him angry, yeah him, not me.
            I was about to give up you know, I've been crying all nights because of him. I don't know why. Am I loving him to deep? I don't know.
            To cut the long story, finally we talked.
And now, I'm sick. I've been sick for more than three days. So glad that he's always there when I need him. This morning he accompanied me going to hospital. How nice he is. And I do appreciate it. I told my friends. I told my parents, when they asked me who accompanied me. So glad that I have him as the answer.
           Yet, again. I don't know what happened. Well, maybe I was annoying, for him.
I didn't pay attention to what he said until it made him angry, again. I asked for apologize and gave him my reason yet he simply answer "I don't ask".
I cried.
I cried, sad.
I don't know what to say again.
Dear, I don't know what should I say to you.
I can't think.
My head aches. I need my medicine.
Ya Rabb, please take this sickness, I wanna be healthy. I don't want to make anyone suffer because of me.
I'm sorry for bothering everyone, including you, Dear.
I can't think anymore. Hope you're feeling better soon.
The doctor put kind of drug which will make me sleep soon on the prescription. I guess I'll take it now. I just want to forget what bothering my mind now, you, who is angry to me.
I hope you feel better soon.
I love you, Dear. Thanks for being mine.

Dear you..
It's been more than a year, my last post. I've been too busy of my real life. Want to talk about it? I guess I do.
The right man. I thought I've found him. Yeah, the right man.
I knew him right after I got broken heart with the one I told you in my previous post.
He was a very nice man. The best among all I've known. He didn't a long time to make me fall into him, though I've tried hard not to. I've tried hard to keep my heart but still, he stole it from me.
              Yeah, after 2months getting closer to each other, after too much complain from our friends that we're just being too childish not to admit our feeling, finally I decided to talk with him. It was May, 3rd 2015, I called him, telling him that I want to meet him cz I have something to talk. He didn't even hesitate to say yes, immediately.
I hang up the phone and I struck speechless, actless, counting again the risk for what I have decided. I remembered my traumatic, again, about my previous relationship. It felt hard for me to have one, again. I was too afraid of having a relationship, again. I was tired of love, its drama, and of course how it ends. I was sick of it.
           I went to my bathroom and got a wash. Feeling fresh, I got dress. Haven't done with my veil, I heard he greeted me in front of my front door, "Assalamualaikum". And I told him to wait.
          I went to the living room and greeted him, I said "I'm ready" and we went out. He asked me where to go and I said I had no idea. He smiled.
          "Can we have a short date?" I asked. "Why should it be short if we can have it longer?" he answered, smiling.
          Finnaly we arrived in a nice place. When I arrived, I was suddenly remember my ex, cz it was the place where I usually spent my time with my ex. I tried to fight that feeling coming to my mind, traumatic. I convinced my self, I'm now here with different man, that may give me different story, that may be my future.
         We sat down and waited for our drinks. I started the conversation, too much intro, but I didn't mind. I saw him enjoying our conversation. He never talked that way before. I started to feel comfort and I told him what I actually wanted to talk about. He looked nervous and I tried to make up a joke. When he finally ready, I said what bothering my mind.
         The thing that I remember, at that time we made agreement to have a relationship. Yeah, we did. With some considerations, finally we decided to admit that starting that day, we're in relationship.
        Time flies... we have spent much time together. I started to love him deeper. He was really nice and in my heart I call him the right man. I am about sure to arrange my future with him. When I started to know his family, when he started to know my family. Too much story to be told actually, too many things happen. I once broke up with him. And it felt awfull. I was about to give up yet I tried to stay I tried to convince him that I won't disappoint him.
I just wonder how I  really want him. I really didnt wanna give up on him.
        When finnaly we started it again, we were getting much closer. We're planning for the future. My right man, he was about to make my dreams come true. I was so glad and I love him much deeper.
       Then finnaly I convince my self to tell my parents about him. It's hard. It was my first experience. I never told my parents about my previous relationship with my ex. He was the first man I brought to my parents. When they finally met and he talked to my parents about us, I felt like the time stopped. My heart beat faster and I am about to cry.
         Here we are. After all of things happen. I'm waiting for him.
I heard some people say, when you srart to arrange to get marry you'll find much problem that will make you feel like you won't be able to handle it, the problem that make you feel you should give up, or much harder than that. I was worrying about that people say before, until I realize maybe I experience it right now.
        It's been three days he doesn't wanna talk to me. He was angry because of some missunderstanding. If only you know dear, I trust you with all my heart. I never think bad thing of you. Yet, it happened already. It's been three days. I'm about thinking whether we can pass this or not. I really want to text him saying, "I love you, dear" yet I don't have my courage. I'm too afraid of making him angrier. I'm sorry dear. Ya Rabb, please keep us. Please help us. I hope everything will get better soon. Amin Ya Rabb..

Have I found the Real Me?

Have been tired of love. Yeah, I have.

So sad and pathetic, indeed. Yet, that’s the fact. I’m broken, again.

I guess it’s the ending. I’ve hurt his feeling once and now it seems that he has done his revenge.

How cruel! I don’t know, I have no idea about what in his mind is.

Well, let me just call it as a revenge. And he has succeed. Well done!

Btw, it’s been so long since I post my last posting.

Have been so busy about my new world, the real world. Yeah, I’ve been born in the real life.

I’ve once thought that it would be a scary place, in fact, it’s scarier than what I have imagined.

What a world!

Receive it or not, I’ve been here. And you know what, as others do. It’s time for me to find the real me.

I have to choose that path or continue my whole life like a slave of other’s life.

I just wonder why it still feels like a dream. How hard it is to wake up.

If it was a fairytale, I would just need to wait for the prince to give me a true love kiss to break the sleeping curse. Unfortunately, only Snow White or Aurora were lucky enough to have that destiny.

Well, I hate grumbling, actually. But I always did.

Neither love nor life can give a kind of sweet story. And I’m kindda bored of these.

I’ve fell and broken for so many times. How many times should I be reborn?

Am I tough enough to keep moving on?

I guess it’s not a choice.

“Okay, sweet girl, wake up now! Let’s find the real you!”

I dumped him or was dumped by him?

Feel like an idiot.

What have just happen?
I totally don't understand.
What a stupid thing I did.
Why should I tell him? It used to be okay. I can handle this affair smoothly.
But, I can't live my life that way.

All of those loves I have are just fake.
And I used to maintain all of them, like a true defender.
Really nonsense.
When I realize, no one is special.
I can't keep even one of them.

Well then, give me strength to start it from zero. With no one?
Okay, WITH NO ONE!
But, I'll loose him.
I dumped him? No? Was I dumped by him?
I DONT CARE!

I have passed this way for more than four years. And I hope much from him. But then, I finally realize, I'm not tough enough to be a loyal lover for him. I do love him, and do still love him, yet I love anyone else.
No, I never trust him. I meant, I know he'll never cheat me, but I don't believe that he'll love me that much. I meant, I cannot trust his love to me. I meant, .... Uh, I cannot explain it.
I just feel that his love is fake. I just wonder I can be by his side someday.
As I am close to his family, but that was also a fake.
Nothing is a truth.

I used to live in my own imagination, in my fake world.
And I'm too bored now.
I wanna live in reality.
I'm not a doll in a lovely cupboard, I'm not even a princess in a fairytale.
Live is much harder, I know, but it will be much more beautiful if it is in reality.
I believe that.

LEAVE ME ALONE!